Contemplating Motherhood

This is an intensely personal painting. I am 15 weeks pregnant, and I have had 3 miscarriages. I am really afraid to think too much about being a mom because I am so afraid this baby will be taken away from me, like the other 3 babies. I went to a collage painting class last Saturday, and it was very clear that God had in mind for me to do this painting, on motherhood. I had no idea ahead of time, but God really led me through this painting. Talk about Serendipidity! Wouldn't I love to celebrate and dream and look forward to this baby's birth, and having the honor of being it's mother??? Yet I am too timid and afraid to really own this new identity. However, God is a wild, untameable God, and has his own ideas for us, which are always so much more right, and true to who we are than the things we try to force ourselves into. At least I try to force myself into being ultra cautious and sensible. Kinda like not letting myself be happy or something. This painting has really captured my heart and soul. It is totally an act of bravery, a very permanent reminder of this season of my life. In the left center is the heart, a photo of Aurelien and I, because I wouldn't be a mother without him! And he is that other crucially important half of this baby's parents, the daddy! Around that photo I have placed images with really important symbolism to me, the Odalisque, and mermaids, etc. to signify the unique woman that I am and will continue to be despite also being a mom. Then there is a silhouette of a pregnant woman in the center of the painting, which is of course me right now. Then the remainder of the painting is images of motherhood that I found personally poignant, beautiful, and meaningful.